"Sorry" ≠ Trust: "If you were sorry..." Rant

If the word "Sorry" was a child on a playground, it would probably be one of the more misunderstood - and least accepted kids around. While some people say "sorry" when they actually mean "thank you," in my more common personal experiences, "sorry" is usually inferred as an intent of action rather than an expression of feeling. I hate that assumption!


How should "sorry" be understood then?
Saying "sorry," for me, may naturally be followed by a behavioral change, but in and of itself, is simply an attempt to express either empathy or sincere remorse.

I say sorry A LOT, and I mean it EVERY time. Find that hard to believe? Yeah, so did my wife, but marriage is an institution. Communication, experience and bundle on bundles of love, have changed us both for the better. She's become very accepting of my feelings, struggles, strengths and weaknesses. She can accept my apologies (feelings) AND still manage to inspire and hold me to a higher standard of excellence, over and over and over again. She believes in me, and nudges me forward, lovingly. She's perfect! Well, sometimes her nudges feel a whole lot like nagging, but I get her that way, and she's absolutely perfect... for me.


What's the difference between forgiveness and trust?
Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned!

Said in another way, accepting an apology is not the same thing as trusting again. Trust cannot be earned through apologies - only changed behavior can do that. There's a big difference, and that's probably what people are trying to communicate when the below well intended phrases are so commonly used.

Empathy - Putting yourself "in someone else's shoes."
"Sorry." (expression of feeling, NOT intent of action)

Common responses that miss or dodge the mark:
"You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."
"What are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything."


Remorse - "If the shoe fits..." Settling into a shoe of your own crafting.
"I'm sorry." (expression of feeling NOT intent of action)

Common responses that miss or dodge the mark:
"Don't say sorry, if you don't mean it. If you were sorry, you wouldn't do it again."
"Sorry means you won't do it again. You're not sorry."
"Sorry about what? Your misbehavior, or that you got caught?"
"Sorry is not sorry unless something changes."

Any of those sound familiar?

Okay, so the empathetic "Sorry" is pretty straight forward, but the remorseful sorry seems to loose meaning when the offending party doesn't follow through with some kind of behavioral change, right? They say they're sorry, but nothing ever changes, it's totally inconsistent.

THOUGHT: Accepting an apology may better encourage a change in behavior faster than putting up walls by refusing to accept an apology.

Can you truly accept an apology and still not trust them?

Yes. Forgiveness and trust don't always go hand in hand. Unless the offender acts on the positive thoughts sparked by their admission of guilt, hope for change will no sooner take root than a raindrop, snowflake or ice cube will last in a campfire at snow camp. Doesn't even matter how sorry someone FEELS if they don't DO something about it. Until behavior changes, trust cannot be developed, nor should it be assumed.


How can I earn trust back?

I'm afraid I can't say too much on this subject, but I can say what I know from experience.

Ask for help. Be vulnerable. Being untrustworthy requires open surgery. Close off, or shut down and there's no help to be found. It's waiting for you to open back up and show up. Be completely honest, and don't try to hide mis-behaviors from those trying to help you. They're being vulnerable too, so work together with them in mutual respect. Never give up. Consistency and persistence will be key, and time will take care of the rest.


How do I learn to trust again? 

Be vulnerable. Establish and communicate clear yet reasonable boundaries. Be willing to compromise, neither too rigid nor too flexible. Only time and proof against a mutually communicated standard will prove trustworthiness. If neither is sure on the boundary or standard, there's no way to measure trust against it.


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Thank you for reading! Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts on forgiveness and trust as I'm always learning more.. If you've been here at my blog more than once, consider subscribing! Return to Facebook and leave a comment or reaction there to show your support. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas / New Year!

More Good Habits, Less Sitting (I'm looking at you chair)

Here's a conversation we all need to have... have you ever glared at your sofa, your office chair, your freaking toilet, bean bag, recliner, rocking chair or bed and said, "You're the freaking bane of my existence, chair!"

"Stop looking at me, Bed! You seriously need to set some boundaries for yourself  and stop letting everyone take advantage of you. That alarm goes off, the snooze button gets hit, and you get rolled over on. What happened to the Murphy Bed? Setup the alarm to automatically fold that thing back into the wall and you better bet your cozy comforter, you'll gets rolled out of right quick!"

"Don't you 'Pfsh at me toilet! You see that smart phone come out but I don't see you backing up and overflowing on anybody. Start flushing in the opposite direction and see how long that dumb phone stays out."

Seriously people, sitting has got to be biggest productivity killer since... I don't even know what. Who came up with these things!? Oh yeah, here's an idea, why don't we place these comfy little things EVERYWHERE to sit on, so that when we really NEED to get stuff done we can quickly escape responsibility by entering rest mode!

And "Rest"room. It's like the person who coined the term was trying to sell something. "Hey there's this thing in public where everyone can go to dispose of human waste together, what should we call it? Bio-hazard Communal? The Stank Tank? Nah, nobody would go! I really don't see anything positive about putting these things in a public area for people to gather into. Well, I guess you can sit down for a while - why not call it a rest room? BINGO, Disneyland will take 24 please, put stuff on the doors like "Lady, Princesses, Gents, and Princes - make them feel all dignified.

All poop jokes aside, siting has got to be one of my worst bad habits. You know, we get up from laying down, to sit on a toilet, only to move to the breakfast table to sit and eat breakfast, walk to our car, sit to drive, sit at a desk all day, sit for lunch, sit when we go on break to relieve ourselves, sit back at our desks, sit to drive home, sit on the sofa or bed to binge-watch netflix, or at least sit on a bed to wind down for the night to a book, journal or some other evening routine. No wonder there's so much fat back there! We spend most of our lives sitting around on that lump some call rumps! Good glory!

Ok, so a rant wasn't what I had in mind,  but you got one anyway, hope you enjoyed it, "NOW back to ME!" I've developed plenty of bad habits I'm not proud of, a lot of relate to sitting or being idle. It's affected my parenting (barks at kid from sofa instead of intervening - I've always hated that "from the couch parenting" model - #ImTotallyGuiltyHere #TimeToChange) to my work - I've actually got a sit to stand desktop. Need to return it to the upright position. Very conducive to working in 30 min intervals btw - great for working from home with kids. Marriages in general "when did we become such boring people" - said a docile sedentary sitting position. Friendships (scrolls through Facebook feed) I'll even quote my dear Grandma Ethel who I'd dance with as a child, and who knew the dangers of being idle. When asked to relax and take a load off, she'd respond and say "Oh, no thank you. The minute I sit down is the minute I'll start dying." "If I sit down, I'll waste away." Or something to that effect.She lived to the ripe old age of 94 folks, heart problems for 60+ years and all.



So I got all gung-ho, and listed every daily/week-daily good habit that's ever served me really well throughout my life, and devised a way to reincorporate them back in. All of which I've been good at, at one time or another, but most  I've abandoned to mediocrity. Thought I'd try a big change and do them all every day, all at once... Yeah that didn't work too well, so I separated them into section of the day that will best serve me for this time in my life. Also tried to keep them all pretty flexible so I could even keep up on the habits when I go on vacation, or unexpected routines or changes come into my life. Nothing hampers a good habit or routine like change, sickness, or some other interrupters.

I'm focusing on 1 color at a time - once I get a 7 day streak, I move to the next section. If previous sections need re-emphasis, I can revisit for a 7 day streak to reinforce, then resume advancement. Also, do set deadline for this one - just open until they're all second nature. Could take me a couple of month, could take me years. Doesn't matter. These are things that matter to me, and serve me best. I may make minor adjustments, but mostly I need to do less revamping and more sticking.



So far, it's been my most successful approach. I've been working on several previously failed models for the past year or and am finally finding some solid success. I think my focus was on important but less effective approaches. Time management, discipline, energy management, feelings, mental health, physical health, stuff that would go great for a while then collapse. What I think it boils down to though is - when I'm out of will power, and can't find my grit, what do I have to fall back onto? Where do I revert to? Life long built habits, good or bad - so if I want enduring change, focus on changing my fall-back - background programs, what runs on auto-pilot -- habits. Thoughts, actions, habits, character, destiny. Time to get out of my head and put some good actions on repeat.



What routines or good habits are you striving to get back into or start anew? Any way I can help? Please feel free to ask me how I'm doing at any time. I'm hoping to apply a bit of grit into this for years to come so, don't let me abandon my resolve if you ever have the thought to follow up. Thanks for your support and for reading! If you're still reading, I love you. Thanks for your interest in my life - not just as a dad, husband, employer, stranger, or otherwise - but as an individual!