Awake: There is Always Hope (Part 3 of 3)

"Stop.. Stop trying to play therapist out there. You're here to focus on you. Figure you out. You do your job, and let me do mine." her words play obsessively in your head that afternoon as you sit alone in your room after a session.

You grow frustrated. All you EVER want, is to be helpful, and your therapist was taking that away too? Firstly, you strongly believe that most mental health issues can best be addressed by NOT focusing inward, but by getting outside of yourself and get invested in the service others! So, "strike one Doc!" you scowl.  Secondly... you trail off.  Actually, secondly, you admit, you don't really know what to do for you. It's easier to figure other people out- for them to talk and for you to listen. But here you are are sitting on your bed just starring at the ceiling with a blank mind, begging for distraction. Anything to keep you from admitting that you too need work. And yet, why? You gain momentum again. Why?! Not even ten minutes into the drive to the behavioral hospital, and you already felt like you didn't need ANY help. You're no longer suicidal. You no longer feel out of control. How did you allow yourself to believe that you needed this? It's simple, you needed a reset, and you got it. Your family needs you! You need them! Ten more minutes, yet just ten minutes that much too late. It would cost you what, at least a week?

*Note: Bipolar can often feel like this - a train without breaks. Like looking back on a train wreck. Once you start spinning out of control (whether manic or depressive or mixed) you just can't help your self. You see the disaster coming, but your brakes don't work. Your family tries, but can't always reach you or break through, and helpless you watch the destruction. You get to look back on your recent decisions and say, "whelp, that happened, and here's the casualty count, and can't go back now, so..." Sigh. Accept. Pick up the pieces. Move through it, and work with the broken pieces.

You anticipate your whole stay here will be a drag. Vitim mentality (you are not the problem, everything else is the problem) sets in strong. You're not gaining anything from groups this time around. Those who you were trying to help before just grate on your nerves now. You almost give in to all your doubts, (this is fake, you're not sick, what a sham, a joke, a...) a light comes on in a group session. You grasp it! Your own holy grail of all wisdom in one lesson! The Five Hierarchy Steps of Motivation from 'Come death, you can't make me' forward to 'external/intrinsic motivations,' and then finally capping at TRANSCENDENTAL COSMIC ILLUMINATORY CONCLUSIVE DISILLUSIONARY BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHB!!! See... actually, part of your illness, that's actually pretty common, and in hindsight ranges anywhere from pretty comical to outright discouraging, is thinking you have the cure-all fix-all answer for stuff. You get really excited about it - until you're.. well, not anymore. No really, bipolar folk like you, are often very creative, but have inflated ideas and/or you get bored real quick of your ideas cause you've already got five to ten new, better, more applicable ideas. Some of it has to do with your executive function impairments. Others are often exaggerated by hypo-manic mood states or full blown manic sessions.

Okay, but really you did gain some valuable insight, namely that of trust. You engaged in an activity where individually first, and then later together as a group you discuss and prioritize a list of items from most important to least that might be needed in a coastal rescue mission. You find it's hard to agree on the order of things with your peers and push through disagreements. Later, your answers are compared to the official Coast Guard's ranking, and you find that whether working alone or together as a group your answers aren't any better individually or collectively compared to the expert's ranking. You compare this to working alone on yourself, or in collaboration with others sick like you to find solutions to your sickness, with that of working with an experienced profession and an outside-of-the-problem perspective. You wisely conclude that it's okay to not be okay and to TRUST a wisdom outside your own self. Trust the doctors. Trust the results. And as difficult as it might be for you, trust the drugs and the results a professional working close with you sees in their effect.

You realize that drug dosing and combination, though very important, especially for psychosis, are no replacement for therapy and sound application of knowledge. You find value in a friend's blog that illustrates pain as normal and even needed part of life, but that "despair is not part of God’s plan, and that He will help you overcome it!" You remind yourself again and again that bipolar lows, as real and hopeless as they always feel in their strength, are temporary. You grow stronger in knowing that where there is humility - a grateful acknowledgment of dependence and trust in the Lord - there is always hope.

NOTE:
It's a big pet peeve of mine to start something and not finish it so I'm glad I took some time tonight to finish this last entry of my 2018 experience. Hopefully the 2nd person view wasn't too distracting. I only just noticed that I changed from 3rd person to 1st person between my first and second parts, and figured, why not make the wrench thrown in things work for me. Part one, 3rd person tone, matches the disconnected state of mind I was in. 1st person added an element of owning my experiences once hospitalized. And hopefully 2nd person view has helped bring you more into my shoes for this last bit.

WELLNESS UPDATE:

It's been almost two years since this, my last hospitalization back in 2018. I've made small changes to medications twice since and have enjoyed a wonderful stretch in stability. I've worked semi-regularly throughout with a therapist who's helped me keep much in context. I still experience what I'd call occasional "break-downs" but with the help of my wife and a good support system am able to fully recover within a 24 hour time-frame or less each time, and with some tried and true quality self care have avoided any subsequent hospitalizations. We've come a long way through this! I often feel like it's all in my head and there's nothing actually wrong with me - but I strive to trust the experts, stay humble and grateful, and it has made all the difference.