A chain wrapped around my waist, then harnessed to a pair of comfortably fitted handcuffs accompanied me as a prepared to sit in the caged back of a county sheriff's truck for transport. "They didn't always have us do this." the Sheriff explained. "It's just precautionary now." This wasn't new, and I expected it, having done this once before. The ride was comfortable, but I just kept thinking, "What am I doing? I feel fine now. Why did I agree to this? There's nothing wrong with me. I can't believe I fell apart in front of my therapist. My family needs me. I can't believe I'm doing this to them again. I'll be out of here in 4 days - let's get this over with."
There were two units. I had assumed that I'd be joining the first unit like I did. People primarily dealing with overwhelm and thoughts of self harm. A pretty normal feeling group with perfectly functional social skills. But I wasn't. I was put with those whom on my last visit I thought they seemed like they weren't all there. "The Crazies". Was I a crazies now? For the first time, I started to feel uneasy, less trusting, more... paranoid. A few deep breaths... was this going to get to me? Would I lose it, like them? This environment cannot be healthy or productive.
The Roomie,
I went to my room and laid down for a minute - observing my roommate across from me. Dark tanned skin - scarred expression in his eyes. The initial tension I felt lessened a little as I realized he was probable more anxious about meeting me as his new roommate than I was him. After a few moments of silence, Roomie broke the ice. "What are you here for. You seem pretty normal." "Shake up the meds a bit, hopefully. Focus on some new coping skills maybe. I feel pretty normal, but how about yourself? You seem perfectly normal to me, I think we're all a little anxious just being here." I replied hoping to win some common ground. "Oh, no man. I'm not normal. I'm scared. I'm really scared. Do you think I'm gunna be safe? Am I safe in here??" he asked frantically. "I've been here once before, yes. You're safe. Do I seem pretty safe to you? Do you feel like I'm a pretty safe person?" I probed hoping to calm. "Oh. Yeah," he said a little spacey, "I am safe, huh? Yeah, you seem like a good guy." "Absolutely. See, I can tell already I'm going to like you as a roommate. Me and you man. We're going to get through this." I reassured, "No problem." "No problem." he repeated, then laid back down onto his pillow. I wandered back down the hall to the commons area and spied a table where a woman was shuffling some papers.
Susceptible Sensibility (SusSen)
As I crossed to sit down at the table next to her, I saw a picture of the Timpanogas Temple and said to here while sitting down, "Hey, my brother got married in that temple." "Oh yes. I love to see the temple. I'll go inside some day..." she wandered and stared off. "I forgot that. But I remembered it again. You helped me remember that again. Thank you." "I'm Jake," I smiled "What's your name?" "I'm Sussen. I see your garments, that means your a member too, huh? I was looking at the temple. Do you see my baby," She opened a little book. "This is my daughter, she's almost one. And here she is..." As she proceeded to share with me the entire contents of her little book.
Sussen would seemly change moods on conversation topics at the very mention of a word, or by observing an emotion. Almost as if she was a sponge and absorbed or mirrored whatever emotion was going on around here. Not to just anyone however, just to people she decided was in her circle of trust. I hadn't fully realized we'd established this link until later that week when I was having an off, stubborn moment.
Babbling Barbara
"Do you know that king? We must NOT let the parley happen in Washington. Do you know about 2564? They're letting the beggars purchase the vote of the parliament with golden horses hay. The injustice is paramount, and we cannot let them triple book the concert tickets!! What are you doing about it!?" Nothing you see?! Do you know the King?" - Barbara Okay, so this might not be word for word what she said, but a lot of the repeating/common elements and words are there and it might as well have been what she said word for word for all the sense it made. More than anything during my stay, it was Barbara's attempt to be apart of the conversation that cause all but myself and maybe one other to stay in the room. Her babbles became the best trigger to practice coping skills to.
I met all types. A brilliant high functioning autistic, a warm charismatic gay guy who'd speak often about his busy husband, yet supportive nature of his illness, and who helped see him through additions I can only imagine ever having to overcome. A strong willed mother of 6 who wouldn't open up and even talk until nearly 40 days into her treatment, but loved her Lord Jesus. A nearly 400 lbs 6 foot tall woman coming off of a destructive and violent manic high, confused and refusing to take her meds, slamming other tenants doors, yelling all night. An individual who, to my count had at least 5 different personalities, names, identities. "Jake, I'm switching now." She'd say to me. But I only met one of two male twins embodied inside her.
One day, earlier on in the treatment. I didn't feel like putting on a happy face. I missed my family and I wasn't happy about how long I'd have to be there. Sussen came over to sit down next to me, noting the difference in my countenance. "You can beat him." She said, "I did... I forgot that. You can beat him to." She then got emotional and defensive for me and my mood change, and started to get terribly upset. A staff took note. She started hitting walls and complaining about a banana in a fruit bowl, supposing that was in fact what she was angry and wanted to leave. "I don't like that banana! It doesn't belong here. I beat it, and he can beat it too." The staff had no idea, but I knew exactly what she was upset about. She saw someone she knew as a happy person, fighting with depression that I had allowed to be there, and she didn't want it there. I didn't realize how much my choice in mood could affect those around me. Not normally, but to a sensitive soul who can notice these things, there is a very real change that takes place in our aurora. A destructive and repressive presence, even if it's only in the form of an emotion.
But something unexpected happened to me, the more people I met and got to know. I no longer saw them as "crazies". They just weren't anything to be afraid of. Many of their more extreme behaviors only lasted while they were not medicated properly. Medication and therapy helped all but one of these individuals tremendously. This center was involved in a great work!
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