Awake: Shake Off the Awful Chains (Part 1 of 3)

"'Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.' ...Doubt my doubts... doubt my doubts, (sobs) doubt my doubts," Jake repeated obsessively as if those words - what he reasoned only moments before, would now, somehow help guide him back into intelligible conversation with his therapist.

"I don't know, he's never done this before." Josie manages to sputter out between her own tears in fear. "Jake, you just keep repeating yourself...  Jake? Jake?? Jake!! Breathe! Breathe Jake!! Breath... That's good take some deep breaths."

"I stand on the edge of a chasm..." his voice rises, eyes closed, gripping his wife's hand, still seated right next to him " ...a great chain... ...four dark figures behind me, pulling me back into a pit...  Twelve ancestors before me - fighting for me with bright shining chords...  Twelve in front.... four behind... pulling...  Four behind... twelve in front... four behind..."

"You're not making any sense, Jake." The therapist verbalizes.

Jake didn't mean to scare anyone. He felt... trapped. The debilitating depression came out of absolutely nowhere this time, or if there was a cause he couldn't remember it. In point of fact - things were going great! Better than they had been for a very long time. A job he loved. Time to himself engaged in reading good book after good book. A healed/healing friendship! Well, there wasn't any fainting or anything, hello Ammon, but there was plenty of joy to be had in reunion. He had even been called to serve in the Lord's Church as a Ward Choir Director - a particularly long desired calling!! All was right in his world!

Little did he know, having perpetually felt well rested, that working swing shift had cut his nightly sleep to five or less hours a night for months. Not uncommon, but detrimental for some people with specific mental illnesses.

He had ignored the occasional prompts that went off in his head to have his mood stabilizer levels checked like he'd learned from the book that he had read, among other sources.

Why was it that when he went off of the anti-psychotic drugs in search for a more compatible set that a mood stabilizer was kept and anti-psychotic dropped?

This is bipolar and psychosis we're dealing with, but though he had, at some level registered these things at one point in time or another, they were all far from his mind now. He was spent.

All he was trying to do, was communicate. To keep fighting, but when he realized his efforts were fruitless, and... bag of cats crazy sounding... it was his last straw.

"That! What just happened in your eyes!" the therapist noted in surprise. Jake, now calm and feeling destitute, turns to look at Josie. "Where did you go, Jake? This isn't you. It's like you're not there when I look at you." Josie says with a hint of sadness. He looks away.

"Jake's not here. Come back later..." He says flatly.

Jake had given up. If all was going so well in life, and this illness still had the power to rob him of every happiness in a moment... what was the point? The cycle was set. All the books and knowledge on the topic said it. There is no end; no cure to the cycles - only hope for stability for a year, two years, maybe 10, and then it would strike again. But hope never lasted more than a couple weeks at a time. An even deeper depression would come eventually. He had fought to the very end of this battle, and he was at the point of amotivation - when motivation slumbers. It was time to seek help from a behavioral hospital... again.

----------------

Hello. My name is Jake and I struggle with bipolar two accompanied by psychosis. This is my story of how I shook off my depression, awoke to hope in myself and expanded my empathy on a wide spectrum of mild to severe cases of mental illnesses. Stay tuned. We've got this!

Meditation vs Hypnosis: What's the Difference?

True or false? Hypnosis is for hippies while meditation is for millennials.

Although this statement may get a laugh and be closer to how many see the similarities between the two mind therapies, it's closer to pop culture gossip than it is to the truth. Very tongue in cheek.

There's actually a bigger difference between the two than most people might want to take the time to understand, so I'll try and keep this simple. The following statements are much closer to the truth in my opinion and fairly rounded understanding.

• Meditation uses conscious thought as it's medium, while hypnosis works directly with subconscious thought.
• Meditation is non-striving, while hypnosis strives to obtain a specific result.
• True meditation is an unbiased observation of mind, while hypnosis is a controlled reprogramming of mind.

Panning For Gold
Consider the difference between conscious thought and subconscious thought through the lens of panning for gold. We can only consciously hold on to information for about 90 minutes - usually less. At that point, our pan is full of sediments and overflows, being unable to retain any more information. If we find something meaningful to us, it slips into a sort of reserve, (pouch) to be reevaluated and either be kept or discarded at the end of the day into our subconscious (Vault) when we sleep. From pan to pouch to vault.

A problem arises however, when subconscious, automatic processes do not match our desired values. To our mind, there is no such thing as a bad habit. Every habit serves to protect and benefit us. But if something in our conscious mind or logical mind says that a behavior is bad and should ideally be changed, then the two minds are in conflict. So, change it, right? Well, that spot in the vault is already filled with an automatic process and cannot be easily changed.

Hypnosis is kind of like a trick which in theory bypasses the pan to change one's association with a specific pattern of belief or behavior and sneaks it into one's pouch. There's still a chance that in sleep it will still be discarded, but with persistence and skill one's mind will say, hey that's better than what I have in the vault, lets toss the old association and replace it with this new one.

Meditation is more like observing the sediments in the pan swirl, and see more clearly what is of value before it automatically gets slipped into your pouch. A way of life - of seeing more things at face value and less risk of vaulting less desirable automatic programs.

Guided Meditation vs Hypnosis
This is where the line blurs. Often, in meditation, it can be difficult to stay intent on observation only. One often experiences attachment to a passing thought, image, sound, feeling, or emotion. Chase a distraction. Get lost in thought. This is a deeply programmed and embedded habit of our minds. And so, often we find it easier to stay on track if we have some kind of guide. Guides can be very helpful in reminding us to focus on the breath, use visualization as our anchor, or whatever technique is being implemented to our formal meditation session. Hypnotherapists or hypnotists, largely find it less obtrusive if they call their hypnosis "guided meditation". Consider a progressive relaxation - in induction technique used by hypnotherapist to relax the mind and skip the pouch process. The nugget is not being evaluated, it's already decided upon, so why not skip the pouch and vault it.

Which is better?
At this point I'm sure you can already identify this as a terrible question. They're two completely different animals. Different processes. Different purposes. If you want to expedite a habit change, consider short cutting with hypnosis. If you'd like to naturally improve the quality of your life in general, enrich your mental processes with meditation. Want to establish a habit of meditating, consider hypnositating!

If you're interested in learning more about hypnotherapy, visit https://hypnosis.edu/distance/ for a free foundations course.

If you're interested in learning more about meditation, visit https://palousemindfulness.com/ for a free self paced course in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction - a clinical based form of meditation.

I've engaged extensively in both and believe them to be some of the highest quality free content and training on either topic.



BONUS:

Quick Meditation Experience: Resting Awareness
Take a few deep breaths, 5 minutes and imagine you're standing inside your mind observing traffic. See if you can identify the following vehicles as they pass. Internal and external counterparts of sight, sound and touch.

Technique: Noting

1. See (What do you visually see?) Label it "seeing" as it occurs to you.
2. Hear (What do you audibly hear?)  etc.
3. Feel (What do you physically feel?) 
4. Visualize (Are images passing through your minds eye?)
5. Think (Are you experiencing a thought?)
6. Emote (Are you experiencing a feeling?)

No need to get specific - just limit your labels to what you are experiencing in these 6 terms. Sleepy is a subnote of Emote, while seeing a persons face and labeling them "Joe" is a subnote of Visualize. Or in other words, you're attaching them to an association, and the purpose is non-attachment.

Spirit: A Matter of Science (Pun Intended)

Solid, liquid, gas!
Ice cube, water, steam.
Body, blood, breath.

Through this lens, we understand, in part, the three primary states of matter in this material world. Which has begged the question of many inquiring minds, what is in between these particles? Matter and non-matter? What is smaller than a strand of hair, a molecule, an atom, a photon, and so on? Although he was more of a theologian than a scientist, Joseph Smith Jr. received the following insight concerning "matter" dating as far back as 1843.

"There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes;" (Doctrine & Covenants 131:7)

So... Solid, liquid, gas & spirit then? Wait a minute!? I thought Section 131 was about the new and everlasting covenant of marriage?? What does spiritual matter have to do with eternal marriage?

This covenant of marriage is understood by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a saving ordinance, and must be "sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise" (see Doctrine and Covenants 132:18,) in order to be effectively "sealed up" (Doctrine & Covenants 131:5) Spirit, being the key word here. Yes, as far as I understand it, spiritually - purely - materially bound or sealed (perhaps even sub-atomically) -  This marriage, by refined science, purity and proper authority, quite literally seals two souls together eternally.

I love the image. I envision, were I to be permitted to see with purer eyes, a golden light swirling and forming bonds that encircling a couple at the alters of sacred Temples, locking their love eternally as one, never to be broken. Could a thousand ton wight crush a single atom? And if spirit be finer still, how then can something so small as death - unable to affect the spirit - ever hope to touch the literal bonds of the Holy Spirit of promise sealing two souls together? I argue even by petty reason that it cannot.

Like to dive deep Jake? Yeah... that's number five, lets take a couple of steps back, I get ahead of myself.

So far as I have observed, five unique forms of "Spirit" found in the standard works. They are as follows:

1.) The literal spirit children of God. (Intelligences)
2.) The Spirit of Christ (aka Light of Christ)
3.) The gift of the Holy Spirit (Holy Ghost)
4.) The gifts of the Spirit (Spiritual Gifts)
5.) The Holy Spirit of Promise (Confirmation of the Lord's acceptance of sacred ordinances/covenants)

I believe Joseph Smith Jr spoke well when he said "fine or pure" as principles of purity and faithfulness are paramount in spiritual matters. (Temporary Laws to govern things of impermanence - Spiritual Laws to govern things eternal)


1.) The Literal Spirit Children of God

Romans 8:16 of the New Testament states "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:" Likewise from Ether 3.15-16 we, like Christ, have spiritual bodies that look just like our physical bodies in the flesh. Abraham speaks of our eternal spirits in these words. "Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the intelligences that were organized before the world was;..." "And God saw these souls that they were good...for he stood among those that were spirits" (Abraham 3:22-23) Further evidence of the eternal nature of our individual intelligences (what I imagine as the very essence or identity of our spirits, perhaps centralized in our hearts) is found in Doctrine and Covenants 93:29 "Man was also in the beginning with God. Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither indeed can be."


2.) The Spirit of Christ

Speaking of the light of truth, the Spirit of Christ can be understood as "the divine energy, power, or influence that proceeds from God through Christ and gives life and light to all things." (Reference)

"Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space—" (Doctrine & Covenants 88:12)

This, in it's most basic and literal form can be understood as a.) physical light - particles of photon produced by the solar energy of our very sun, but also in the reflecting light of the moon, and of the stars and even the b.)power by which they were made. More importantly, c.) the light of truth. But most commonly but not altogether differt on a subatomic structure - the very nature of what we call our d.) conscience. (Doctrine & Covenants 88:6-11) Yes, that's right, queue as coined by Walt Disney's classic Pinoccio, ♫ "Always let your conscience be your guide" ♫ Or as Mormon explains it "For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge;..." "...seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully." (Moroni 7: 16&18)


3.) The Gift of the Holy Spirit

The Comforter (The Holy Ghost) which Christ, having laid hands upon his apostles in the meridian of time, gifted so that they might not entirely be without God (Christ) on earth after his crucifixion. (John 13:26-27) Different than our individual spirits, or that of the Light of Christ, which is power and influence rather than actual constant companionship of this third member of the Godhead. "The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth;" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:46)


4.) The gifts of the Spirit

These spiritual gifts can be thought of not so much as the natural talents received by our mortal parents, but god-like abilities or blessings received and or enhanced through the companionship of the Holy Ghost. (see Doctrine & Covenants 46:9) Commonly referred to gifts, like those found in the Articles of Faith 1:7  and throughout the bible. "We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth." are a few good examples of this type of spirit.


5.) The Holy Spirit of Promise

And back to where we started. The Holy Spirit of Promise, put simply is a confirmation by the Holy Ghost that acts, covenants or ordinances are accepted by the God, performed correctly, and honored faithfully. (reference) This Holy Spirit of Promise is essential, not only for eternal marriage, but any covenant, ordinance, or act in order for it to remain in affect after this life. (Doctrine & Covenants 132:7, 18–19, 26)


And so, next time you hear the word "Spirit" consider under which context it has reference.

But Jake, what about evil spirits, like those that chased the swine to their watery deaths in Mark 5:1–13 or along the same lines, those seven sons of Sceva, who without authority attempted a failed exorcism resulting in evil spirits attacking and wounding them, sending them out naked. Acts 19:13-16

Or even in general, the spirit of contention spoken of in 3 Nephi 11:29, or other like spirits of behavioral influence?

I'd put evil spirits into the 1st category, as these too are spirit children of our heavenly father who didn't keep their first estate, or in other words, chose to follow Satan before the world was, and rebelled against God's plan. (See Jude 1:6, Abraham 3:26)

And regarding spirits of behavioral influence I'll put in category 2, light of Christ, for we are free to choose good or evil, knowing how to judge for ourselves, and so able to choose how we are influenced to behave or act. See 2 Nephi 2:27

Conclusion

I hope the above ponderings have helped you feel the influence of the Spirit of Christ, and that by that good influence it may propel you to some good behavioral action. Have you been impressed with any thoughts, feelings or ideas by which you feel impressed to act on? Clicking on and studying further into any of the above links? Expressing gratitude to God or a family member? If so, I invite you to act on anything you've felt impressed to do, no matter how big or small. Doing so will only bring you closer to God, and even if only one person comes closer to God because of the time investment, how wonderful! It will have been worth both our whiles. God bless you, my supporters and readers. Thank you for making it this far.

I give one further invitation. If nothing else, I invite you to read Moroni 7, ponder its message, judge as you see good, and lay hold upon every good thing until you and I - that we all may grow closer to God.

My Mindfulness Practice

I observed a curious thought recently while meditating. What would it look like if I were to explain meditation using my own word?

The following are my insights.

Meditation, in my experience, is simply awareness of thing's as they exist via our 5 senses, whether experienced internally or externally, for five minutes or twenty. It's often suggested as an empty mind or thinking of nothing, but those descriptions miss the mark. It's more like getting out of first person and observing from 3rd person. Anything. Have a thought? Note it's existence. Feel an emotion? Acknowledge it. Hear something? Experience it. This is meditation.

A good way to start is by taking a. Few deep breaths and simply observe and note whats going on around you. In your head say, see, hear or feel.

For example, now I hear a fan clicking. I don't say "fan" I say hear. Currently I can mentally imagine the fan and see myself spin my eyes in the opposite circle. But I don't say blade, fan, or spin. Those are descriptions. I say "see" or "thought". If I feel at peace I don't say calm or peacefully, I say "feel".

In this way you can objectively train your mind to reach delta states while still being fully awake. So what if you find your mind wandering? As soon as you notice... "Thought"

Once practiced with see hear and feel, add thinking, emotion and visualizing/imagining. Give it a go and see what ways it benefits you. I've restored good blood pressure and ability to center myself before conversations. Share in the comments your experiences with meditation, and or your questions.

anx·i·e·ty

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē

When you know what you want until you sit down

Then suddenly, you’re paralyzed, and you simply just cannot.

When you try to accomplish the things on your list

But they sit there untouched worse yet, not jot.

When you worry about your own worrying

And others see it as behavioral sub par propriety

But this is our reality, once truly seen,

Cannot be unseen - this is anxiety.

I used to think I knew what it meant,

To feel distressed, uneasy, anxious

But until it consumes you, and begins to run your life

You simply can’t know what we’re trying to express.

“Buck up. Perform. Find your why. Calm down.”

All nice in our heads, and certainly well intended

But at the end of the day, whether two, five or ten

Help us not a single one in ten did. (Yes, Yoda pun intended =)

It’s not that we don’t appreciate your help

It’s not that the things you say are not true.

Believe me, we wish we could start; we could stop.

But for us it’s like everything at once crashing through.

So, we go on a jog. We breathe in counts of ten.

We listen to music to calm our souls.

We literally take things one syllable at a time

Breaking it up into pieces to accomplish a whole.

So, when someone you love suffers from this debilitating disease,

Put them at ease, not by telling – breathe with them.

Suggest one simple next action, take the greater half.

And above all, what you think you understand, please don’t condemn.

Bipolar Disorder: 5 Nurturing Basics and How!

After several months of anhedonic depression, followed by a sudden onset of feeling severely hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness I accepted an invitation to go in for a crisis evaluation at the ER. Initially, of course, I didn't want to be one of "those people". But my love for my wife and her trust in a doctor's recommendation, got me out of what I originally planned on being my last resting place, my bed.

At the ER, I was asked a series of questions and was treated with much kindness and sympathy, I accepted an invitation to go to a behavioral hospital where I could have my meds evaluated in a safe and regularly monitored environment.

After 1 week in this center, having visited with medical, mental and social experts, I was diagnosed not with ADHD but Bipolar Disorder, prescribed an antiphycotic, and discovered a couple other potential health issues along with treatment.

Medication alone, I was advised would not be the end all cure all. It would help, but not fix the core issues. In order to do that I'd have to maintain my mental, physical and emotional health with proper diet, exercise and professional help from a therapist.

By the end of my time there I was fired up, stable and feeling on top of my game. Better than ever! Which of course lasted for a short time before my old habits, as I'm sure often happens after leaving such a structured and accountable environment.

After more frequent emotionally charged episodes with my wife, I pondered in the early morning, this morning, 5 essential nurturing needs that will need to be in order to more fully cope with Bipolar Disorder and maybe ever curb undesirable episodes for the long haul. I'll base my findings in the following scriptural teaching: Doctrine and Covenants 4:2

"Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day."

My main responsibilities involve not only independent needs but interdependent relationships.

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17)

I'll reference these 5 things to be interchangeable with the following:

Service: (Social, Work, Parenting, Community, Friends, Family, Relationships)

HEART: Prescribe PLAY
(Emotional Health / Feelings, Emotions, etc)

MIGHT: Prescribe ATONEMENT
(Spiritual Health / Beliefs, Values, Religion, etc)

MIND: Prescribe SLEEP
(Mental Health / Prescribed medications for mental illnesses, education, remembrance/diligence)

STRENGTH: Prescribe DIET & EXERCISE
(Physical Health / Energy, endurance, muscle, vitals, etc.)


Health is not as linear as many think it to be - it's more circular. All influence and interact with each other. Not enough sleep and your mind and body don't get enough rest influencing your mental health and physical health. Less clear thinking least to poor choices, less physical energy determines how you feel about the things you do. Self talk affects your mental health, and maybe even social interactions. Affects the quality of service you  do, all spiraling into all kinds of disasters.

If each of the these 4 elements were properly understood and cared for - the quality of our daily relationships, service and interdependence between each other.

I'd like to report 4 high priority goals and return to measure my progress. The 4 goals to hopefully improve the quality of my service as a Son of God, Husband, Father, Church Member, Employee/Employer, Community Member, and Friend, are as follows:

Heart: Play - Discover hobbies or other healthy interests besides video games

Might: Atonement - Come to discover my Savior better by getting in and studying his word through words of the living prophets more and pulling principles from the scriptures daily if not at least weekly.

Mind: Sleep - get at least 6 hours of sleep a night.  No matter what.

Strength: Diet & Exercise - Find physical movement that feels delicious to my body and soul and develop a consistent exercise regiment. Also keep to a 4 plate diet, testing my blood sugar to avoid becoming diabetic and needing insulin shots. Checking my fasting blood sugar daily will keep me motivated and informed on how I'm doing on a daily basis.


Lastly, in the comments section, if you wish, does anyone want to join me on my adventure and share your 4 goals? I firmly believe keeping these 4 elements of our lives will greatly influence the quality of our daily purposes as individuals. Thank you for your continued support in reading, until next time.

Become: A turning point from depression to renewed hope!

I'lI never forget what my grandmother said
On her third maybe fourth to last deathbed.
See, she was always dying, hanging on for dear life,
Always has been since my mom was what? Thirteen?

But here she was at age ninety-one
Having suffered a stroke, left arm and throat, numb.
Had to relearn how to speak and make words
She said to me in her half-broken speech,

"I'm a yo-yo," she said, "I've been as low as they go,
But I always bounce back, albeit less high as time goes.
And soon, I'lI be layed down in the dust,
But not today! I've got lots of string left!

I marvel at that - having been through so much,
To bounce back each time, just under enough?
How I wished at the time I could transform her world
Like something seen out of Dr Strange or Inception, you know?

I'd rotate the whole world,
Turn it up on its head so,
Each time the yo-yo was released,
It would drop upwards instead.

And every time it would come back down
It'd be a little less low, rising higher each round
But it was all in my head; a fantasy of mental speak
Only real in my mind so, so far from my reach.

I'll never forget that morning she died.
She came into my mind by a dream to say, "Good-bye."
I greived and awoke to note the time,
And later learned it was the exact time that she died.

How powerfully complex is our network of minds -
Whether science unexplained or something more divine -
That a soul so close to us in life
Might reach across the cosmos to communicate death,
In the very moment of their passing?

Might I then underestimate the power of my own mind;
In my dark moments, yo-yoing in and out of depression?
My grandmother was out of my reach, but my depression
Begins and ends in my own miraculous mind!

Unrestrained by mortal limitations and laws
I can flip things around! "[My] future is as bright as [my] faith."
Darkness must flee before light.
No lie retains substance when truth is laid bare.

And the truth about depression is - that it's fed by our minds.
The same mind that connects us in powerful ways.
The same power that enables us to rewrite our own futures
As if from a screen where all that limits us is
The infinite potential of our own limitless imagination!

We are not what we have imagined to be.
We are.
We can be.
We will be our best selves imaginable.

Become.
Become.
Become.