Anhedonia: Depression Incognito!

I have a fire, and an enthusiasm for life an everything in it! Also, I'm rarely if ever sad. The two might just be related. So... I can't possibly consider myself to be depressed, right?? Wrong.

I LOVE, absolutely love the following:
Lifting others up, providing encouragement, brightening other's days.
Principle Pulling - diving into, learning, and teaching from the scriptures. Especially the Book of Mormon.
Music - singing, writing, improvising, singing with others especially.
Listening to audio books and learning.
Finding connections between seemingly unrelated things.
Playing with my children on the floor.
Cooking.
Deep cleaning.
Teaching.
Working on computers.
Video editing.
Sorting / Organizing.
Planning.
Creating.

I can seem to get myself to do any of those things anymore. =( I still have when my wife comes home that helps me feel happy and fulfilled. I have netflix and youtube. Also Destiny 2 (pretty much the only video game I can get myself to play and enjoy), and reading my friend's blogs. That's about all I look forward to or enjoy anymore. As I explained this to my brilliant wife, that's when I learned what anhedonia was...  I don't have to feel sad to be depressed.

I've been going through so many motions, and struggling with daily activities. My kids are fed and clothed. Sometimes I play with them, but find little to no enjoyment. In fact it's a chore. Most everything feels like a chore, and the guilt that comes with that - putting the least amount of work into making a meal so your kids are fed, or sitting at the computer and working instead of being with your kids. Or forcing yourself away from taking care of yourself or work to be with your kids and wishing you were doing something different, is crippling.

I won't apologize for the depressing tone of this blog post. It's good to be honest. To be vunerable and relate with others. It's also important not to dwell on it for too long, so I'll make the rest of this as short as possible and get back on beat. Notice, acknowledge, accept, and release. I've talked with my doctor, and what has been helping me with my anxiety disorder (zoloft) as opposed to 2 others I've tried, is now being doubled to hopefully help whatever chemical imbalance I'm going through. And you know what?? I'm writing the blog post.

I hate and am trying not to feel somehow guilty that i'm dependent on meds for ADHD, for anxiety, for depression. I wish more than anything to just be whole. To feel normal. -- If anyone reading this is worried about needing meds, or feeling guilty about their perscription, or just feeling like they're not enough... Take heart! Hang in there. I might not be exactly where you are, or dealing with what you're dealing with, but I've got a similar lingering, bitter taste. I don't know why I'm going through this. I don't know why you have to deal with this either. We all want and feel like we deserve a break. But we can grow through adversity. We can still lift others, even if in lifting others is not as rewarding. We can get through this. Seek help. See your doctor maybe. It takes courage, and maybe even goes against some cultural deep rooted beliefs. Send up a prayer and listen gently.

Thank you for reading this. Be brave! You and I have and are more than we realize, especially in dark times.

Encouragement

For absolutely anyone who stumbles across this - for whatever reason, including myself... You've got this! You can do hard things! Love, Jake! =)