"Sorry" ≠ Trust: "If you were sorry..." Rant

If the word "Sorry" was a child on a playground, it would probably be one of the more misunderstood - and least accepted kids around. While some people say "sorry" when they actually mean "thank you," in my more common personal experiences, "sorry" is usually inferred as an intent of action rather than an expression of feeling. I hate that assumption!


How should "sorry" be understood then?
Saying "sorry," for me, may naturally be followed by a behavioral change, but in and of itself, is simply an attempt to express either empathy or sincere remorse.

I say sorry A LOT, and I mean it EVERY time. Find that hard to believe? Yeah, so did my wife, but marriage is an institution. Communication, experience and bundle on bundles of love, have changed us both for the better. She's become very accepting of my feelings, struggles, strengths and weaknesses. She can accept my apologies (feelings) AND still manage to inspire and hold me to a higher standard of excellence, over and over and over again. She believes in me, and nudges me forward, lovingly. She's perfect! Well, sometimes her nudges feel a whole lot like nagging, but I get her that way, and she's absolutely perfect... for me.


What's the difference between forgiveness and trust?
Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned!

Said in another way, accepting an apology is not the same thing as trusting again. Trust cannot be earned through apologies - only changed behavior can do that. There's a big difference, and that's probably what people are trying to communicate when the below well intended phrases are so commonly used.

Empathy - Putting yourself "in someone else's shoes."
"Sorry." (expression of feeling, NOT intent of action)

Common responses that miss or dodge the mark:
"You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."
"What are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything."


Remorse - "If the shoe fits..." Settling into a shoe of your own crafting.
"I'm sorry." (expression of feeling NOT intent of action)

Common responses that miss or dodge the mark:
"Don't say sorry, if you don't mean it. If you were sorry, you wouldn't do it again."
"Sorry means you won't do it again. You're not sorry."
"Sorry about what? Your misbehavior, or that you got caught?"
"Sorry is not sorry unless something changes."

Any of those sound familiar?

Okay, so the empathetic "Sorry" is pretty straight forward, but the remorseful sorry seems to loose meaning when the offending party doesn't follow through with some kind of behavioral change, right? They say they're sorry, but nothing ever changes, it's totally inconsistent.

THOUGHT: Accepting an apology may better encourage a change in behavior faster than putting up walls by refusing to accept an apology.

Can you truly accept an apology and still not trust them?

Yes. Forgiveness and trust don't always go hand in hand. Unless the offender acts on the positive thoughts sparked by their admission of guilt, hope for change will no sooner take root than a raindrop, snowflake or ice cube will last in a campfire at snow camp. Doesn't even matter how sorry someone FEELS if they don't DO something about it. Until behavior changes, trust cannot be developed, nor should it be assumed.


How can I earn trust back?

I'm afraid I can't say too much on this subject, but I can say what I know from experience.

Ask for help. Be vulnerable. Being untrustworthy requires open surgery. Close off, or shut down and there's no help to be found. It's waiting for you to open back up and show up. Be completely honest, and don't try to hide mis-behaviors from those trying to help you. They're being vulnerable too, so work together with them in mutual respect. Never give up. Consistency and persistence will be key, and time will take care of the rest.


How do I learn to trust again? 

Be vulnerable. Establish and communicate clear yet reasonable boundaries. Be willing to compromise, neither too rigid nor too flexible. Only time and proof against a mutually communicated standard will prove trustworthiness. If neither is sure on the boundary or standard, there's no way to measure trust against it.


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Thank you for reading! Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts on forgiveness and trust as I'm always learning more.. If you've been here at my blog more than once, consider subscribing! Return to Facebook and leave a comment or reaction there to show your support. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas / New Year!